The Loud Talker

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Drive or get the &^%$ off the road!!!

Posted by cann0nba11 on January 2, 2008

Almost every day I encounter complete idiots on the road, and almost every day I say to myself, “There’s a nice topic for the blog.” Well, now it’s time to pop this emotional zit before I end up on the sad side of a road rage headline.

To whom it may concern:

Owning a car is a privilege, not a right. A drivers license is like a Conceal/Carry Permit. It gives you legal authority to handle a deadly weapon. That being said, you better damned well know how to use it. In an effort to save your life I’m graciously providing a list of things to consider when you see me approaching in your rear view mirror:

  • The left lane on the highway is for passing. It is also for driving fast. If you are doing neither, get the hell over. I don’t care if the speed limit is 65 and you are doing 75. If a car is approaching you at a faster speed do the right thing and get over.
  • Yield does not mean stop. Stop is spelled S-T-O-P. The stop sign has eight sides, a yield sign has three. They mean different things. If you are a driver that thinks it means “oh my god I need to slam on my brakes because a car might be coming” I pity you. Turn in your license and learn to use mass transit. You will eventually be killed if you continue to drive a car.
  • Left on red is 100% legal if you are stopped at a one-way street. Assuming that traffic is moving to your left, you can turn left after coming to a complete stop. So, check for traffic and then get the hell out of my way. Tell a few friends while you are at it. I’m just doing my part to help remove unnecessary congestion on our roads.
  • Grab an opening when you see it. When pulling out of a parking lot onto a busy street you don’t have to have all three lanes completely vacant before entering the road. You might as well wait for the next friggin’ lunar eclipse. At 5:05pm you’re not going to get many wide open spaces on the access road. Grow a pair and pull out in the first lane. Then try something really daring. Merge!
  • If you find yourself behind a driver with large ears or wearing a goofy looking hat, do your best to get around this driver. They are often found driving a large Crown Victoria or similar non-compact vehicle. The mindset is that if old man Hooty gets rear-ended while stopped at a yield sign the behemoth of a vehicle will allow him to live another day.
  • Despite what the South thinks, quickly flashing your brights at the car in front of you is not the same as saying “Fuck you!.” It’s a non-verbal way to say “excuse me, I’d like to pass.” Have you been to Europe before? Every been on the Autobahn? Try it sometime, it’s all the rage. If on the other hand I blink my brights out over and over, then keep them on while trying to kiss your bumper with mine, I’m saying “Fuck you!” Either way, get over.
  • If you happen to zone out and find yourself driving in the left lane while next to a tractor trailer on your right, pass the damned thing. Staying in their blind spot annoys the truck driver and annoys the 15 cars behind you that would like to pass the truck. Don’t be scared, try the pedal on the right and get around the truck. It won’t blow you off of the road, but I might if you don’t get the hell out of my way.
  • If you find yourself on a highway in the left lane with miles of open road in front of you and a line of cars behind you, suck it up and move over. Let go. Figure out some other way to get control of your life. Slowing traffic down by sticking to the speed limit and not letting “the Man” pass you is a sure way to shorten you time here on Earth.

In a nutshell, I’ m just asking you to think about the other drivers on the road. If you aren’t leading you are in the way. Move over. And if I flip you off as I pass, I’m saying fuck you. Feel free to flash your brights right back at me.

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