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My Business Idea: Calorie Credits

Posted by cann0nba11 on June 29, 2009

Al Gore is poised to make billions in the cap & trade business, one that he has helped create thanks to hype, lies and bad science.

I you are not up to speed: Under a cap and trade system the government sets a nationwide limit on emissions. This is the “cap.”  The goal is to reduce the pollution that companies generate by fining companies that exceed the government-defined limit. Over time the cap is lowered to reduce the amount of pollutants released into the atmosphere. (think of it as a magical pollution limbo bar)  The “trade” part is a so-called market for carbon allowances or credits. Companies that produce less than their limit can sell credits to companies that are over their own limit. Supporters claim that this provides an economic incentive to pollute less. Companies that pollute can pay other companies to be clean.

Analogy: Billy gets a 96/100 on his test. Benny gets a 56/100. In order to pass you need a 60. So, Billy can sell four points from his test score to Benny so that Benny can pass with a 60. Billy still has a 92 and gets to keep his ‘A’, and Benny gets his passing ‘D.’ Take this a step further: If Billy is the shining star in a classroom full of idiots, he can dole out as many points as he wants to the kids that fail regularly and can decide what he wants his grade to be. Potentially, everyone in his class passes and the world is a better place full of “educated” students.

Based on this stellar Gore-inspired logic I’ve decided to create my own business that is similar to his cap/trade carbon credits ventures. We have heard rumblings from Team Obama that people need to eat better and exercise more. The potential exists in a nationalized health care system for coverage to depend on the health of the patient. What do you eat? Do you smoke? How much do you exercise? Well, I’ve got the answer: Calorie Credits!

I can continue to be a big fat-ass and frequent the many lunch buffets that I love as long as I pay someone else to exercise for me. The more exercise they do, the more I can eat. If I only partake in the occasional doughnut perhaps a small donation to the high school football team will suffice. At my side of the spectrum, I’m looking at sponsoring a Kenyan marathon runner.

You may be laughing, but you can’t debate my logic. Calorie credits make as much sense as carbon credits and cap/trade.

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3 Responses to “My Business Idea: Calorie Credits”

  1. 247things said

    How about cap and trade credits for anal emissions?

  2. Kay B. Day said

    The bill does nothing for the environment. In fact, I believe it will actually be more destructive, offering incentives for those who opt to plant fast growing species like eucalyptus and continue to clear cut sensitive areas, especially in developing countries.

    There’s also the big question of sequestration–do you want tons of carbon dioxide injected underground in your community?

    There’re also the Democratic Party vote trades–money to community orgs is naturally included in this bill and in every other bill they pass.

    If you want to have some fun, scroll through HR 2454. I’ll bet I’ve read more of it than the bozos who voted for it.

    That leads to my next charge. I believe there is grounds for a class action lawsuit, a taxpayer lawsuit, against Congress. They passed a bill they admitted to not reading. They did not keep their promise of transparency, adding a 300+ page amendment around 3 a.m. the day the bill was debated and passed. They used federal money to pay a speed reader–double dipping since we already pay these scumbags to read the crap they think up and inflict on us.

    I know I sound angry. I am.

    best! Kay

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